My christmas list consisted mainly of musical requests but I'm afraid of what those gifts might bring. How do you communicate undefinable truths with a series of noises and words? You can hint at it and allude to it, but the real truth is that unless you are the one who wrote the song you can never fully understand what the author is trying to say (if anything), not to mention the necessary knowledge of the song's historical background or specific social subjects. If the song's a personal one (you can usually tell) I'd rather just admire the music than try to translate it into some half-assed botchery of the songwriter's original meaning.

A lot of the time I also feel like I should be teaching myself these things or absorbing them in an un-coded, direct way, like in the form of the Autobiographical Essay (which I love) so that totally skewed ideas don't wind up in my subconscious through my misinterpretation.

On the other hand, I do love music and on the occasion that I actually know enough about a musician and their background to try to garner some meaning out of their work it's a fulfilling event. Like Lennon. And sometimes Bowie (Oh! You Pretty Things, Life on Mars)

I'm making this post from inside my Physics class. I stole a few minutes to engage in personal signs of affection with you. The teacher's coming with an axe.

Matt Kelly and I spend entire physics periods using out stools in sexually provocative ways. The teacher, of course, doesn't notice.

Another top 5:

1. Ice Cube - Juno Reactor

Feverish, pulsating trance music that has restored my faith in the electronica genre. The kind of techno that gives you goosebumps and makes your spine tingle it's so addictive. I want to throw a party just so I can play this song at its true volume.

2. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak

Of course. What young person in this country has not at some point listened to this song while staring out a window? The official theme song of people who flounder in the helplessness they exude from their orifices. But Isaak's still damn sexy to listen to.

3. Life on Mars - David Bowie

I know I'm following the trend here(www.king-mob.com , hf.never-twice.com) , but Bowie deserves the recognition. I don't know why, but I have all but one or two songs of Hunky Dory on my MP3 playlist and this is by far my favorite. It's so tender it feels like a tooth with an exposed root is stuck in your heart and a vagrant badger is gnawing on the red, fleshy stump. It's that poignant.

4. Independent Woman - Elbow

This is by far the funniest song I've ever heard. It's a cover of a Destiny's Child song done with accordion, xylophone, and crooning, gravelly vocals sung by a very smooth, very English (presumably unshaven) man. They cut out eight-ninths of the vocals and the satire is overpowering.

5. The Mystery Trend - Julian Cope

This song hasn't left my side for about a month. Rather indescribable and the lyrics are a bit beyond me but I'm starting to get it. A work in progress.

(gasp....gasp...gasp.) There's yer damn content.

I LUV U SEANBABY!!

http://www.seanbaby.com

Turns out Milli Vanilli doesn’t love me after all.
Just found out today
Just threw them my week’s savings
Oh well
I never was one for honesty anyway.

Turns out Paul Mc Cartney’s been lying to my face
And now he does handstands
For teary little eyes
And bent little minds.

Maya Angelou called me yesterday.
She told me I should buy a Nokia no-roam plan
Between bursts of static and garbled voices talking about “gnomes.”
I told her
I don’t have a cell phone
And she hung up.
I think.

Nine out of ten revolutionary icons
Prefer non-drowsy Tylenol,
And Malcom X takes little blue pills
With Coca-Cola.
He buys from Bob Dole.

Weird, Coca-Cola doesn’t show up on spell check.

9/29/02

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....Haahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaah! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah! Hahahaha!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAH!!

I thought it might be funny to make a followup to my compatriate Bryan Casey's newest weblog installations (http://hf.never-twice.com). He's spent a few hours every couple days describing exactly why he likes the things he does and why you should too, with a mini history lesson to justify his undying love for the stuff. Let's go on the learning journey!

1. Given the Dog a Bone - AC/DC

A long time ago five Australian guys smoked, then screwed, then drank, then screwed again and smoked and drank a few more times (just to make sure). Hence AC/DC. I can say I like them without batting an eyelid. I don't really have much shame when it comes to these things. Dammit, they're fun. And they know they're only fun. Maybe their fans don't but me and Angus Young exchange little understanding glances between songs. Given the Dog a Bone. Pure, unabashed stupidity and I love them for it. All those times that Dark Side of the Moon makes me want to throw it against a wall I can breathe a sigh of relief while diving behind a couch from Johnson's blaring vocals.

2. Kill All Hippies - Primal Scream

Oh yes. Ooooooh yes.

3. Blitzkrieg Bop - The Ramones

The first. The best. Damn you old pasty people for domesticating it with your baseball stadiums and social events. Never gets any radio play anymore because it's all commercial Jeff 'n Jare stupid anus fuckery that I hate. I have to listen to that crap every morning in my carpool. "Hmm, maybe we should make jokes about the DC sniper now! OK! Hey Jeff, isn't Jennifer Aniston hot? I sure hope they keep Friends on the air for another...hundred years! (guy laughs in a shoot-me-in-the-face squeal)" Stick with what's decent and good. Please.

4. Don't Eat the Yellow Snow - Frank Zappa

I can repeat this one word for word now and my Zappa voice is finely honed. This is the kind of stuff you play in the car on long road trips just to drive the other people crazy. One of those. Yeah. Only this man could name his children "Dweezil" and "Moon Unit."

5. Mexican Radio - Wall of Voodoo

Lost in the desert. I can't name any of the band members but I still consider myself a fan. Unique and addictive and won't leave me alone when it's quiet.

Watching AC/DC videos with your dad. Wow.

I wish I had special moves in real life. If I were mugged by a pack of mohawked space-mutant thugs in front of a progressively futuristic starport/killer robot manufacturing plant I would want the ability to press A and B at the same time, jumping into the air and spin on an invisible axis with feet extended in a mad flurry of fists and feet. It also might come in handy upon homework collection.

I want to damage pop-up windows like only The Rock can.

Round two of the Fatal Mistranslation Game! The first sentence is the one entered into the translator. The second is the mangled, unrecognizable nonsense that results from translating it back to english after translating it into a foreign language. This game's language is Spanish!

Can you please pass the butter? Translates to...
Can you pass mantequilla please?

I would like to stroke an elephant.
It wanted to rub an elephant slightly.  
 
My table likes to kick you and your little dog too.
My table has taste to also strike him and its small dog with the foot.

I haven't heard violins in my mind for a long time. Too long.

Newsweek went to pot. "Aerobics for Anarchists??" Please, you offend me. I have the matches and you burn well. Now apologize. No? The fireplace is nice and cozy. TV's good for little kids? Bush is really a funny guy, huh? Warm? You don't know what warm is.

I am the flame-proof consumer.

Last night I saw Jackass: The Movie. It has certain redeeming qualities, such as when a guy puts an electric muscle stimulator on his gooch (the area between the scrotum and anus). Some of it's unnecessary and not all that funny, like giving yourself paper cuts in the webs of your hands and feet and getting shot in the gut with a beanbag gun.

A lot of people don't understand why this kind of masochism is so successful.

Our society has become convinced by the media that they live in an urban jungle hell. Peoples' careers even thrive on the misperception that the city is a cruel, bloody place (hence the entire rap movement) and millions of people die worldwide through genocide and mass murder.

In contrast with all the real violence in the world, Jackass seems cute. Maybe that's why it's socially acceptable now. The generations (my generation and the nintendo generation, as my brother puts it) that enjoy this kind of thing have been brought up under the concept that you should fear your neighbors. We've been fed so many images of horrible things that even our entertainment parallels it. We're given violent video games, violent movies and frantically-paced television. Jackass is rather mild compared to Kosovo or Afghanistan.

And people still wonder why shooting fireworks out of your ass is funny. You laughed at the Three Stooges. You tell me.

A poem I found written on a plank of cardboard used in my math class. It overshadowed the profound "Anal Cork!!!" jumping boldly from its surface.

Backpack, backpack
Backpack, backpack.
I'm the backpack,
Loaded up with
Things and knick-knacks too.
Anything that you might need
I have inside for you.

-Dora the Explorer

Dora, wherever you are, you can search MY cavities anytime.

I wonder if any of you remember DJ Ecto, an alter ego I keep stashed in the batcave for special occasions. If enough of you give word, I can start selling my albums for a modest price. The first pitch was a bit of a flop but I'm good enough now to make a profit.

Last night I met this guy at a political rally who was demonstrating for the legalization of marijuana. I gabbed for a bit about Bush, state of fear, the media, so forth. I asked for his email address and when he was finding a pen he withdrew a conspicuous-looking Altoids can.

"Now are those REALLY altoids?"

I forsee interesting conversations. I'm Mr. Impervious.

Unless this is some elaborate hoax, Robert Hamburger, the guy who created www.realultimatepower.net is being sued. SUED! For encouraging violence in young children. If you go to real ultimate power, there's a link to the CNN news article under the "news" section. Some stupid old fucker took him to court because her kids started "totally flipping out" on their cat and furniture. Is it just me or do I want to put my hand through someone's face?! She's trying to get one of the funniest and most original sites in history wiped off the face of the planet.


"Ms. Evans is a hard working Christian mother who is just trying raise her kids right.  How can she do that when you've got demented little boys filling the internet with violent lies?  People believe anything if it's presented on the internet.  It's a dangerous medium that must be controlled carefully" said Ms. Evans' attorney on Monday."

And of course Robert takes it in stride.

"When asked about the lawsuit, Robert Hamburger replied 'Ms. Evans is a frigg'n idiot.   She needs to shut her mouth right now or I'm going to take a skinny dump on her scalp. '"

"Despite Hamburger's passionate defense, the judge ordered him to remove the site until the website's effect on youth could be further investigated.  However in response to the order, Hamburger stated that the judge 'couldn't even pop a boner if he really wanted to and should shut his frigg'n mouth before somebody pees in it.'"

These kinds of people were the ones who got the Parental Advisory sticker plastered all over our music. These kinds of people are the chains around society's ankles. It's they who are the indecent ones and personally I think they should shut their stupid heads until I have a chance to kick them.

Vin Diesel because he's ambiguously ethnic? Really, why.