Watching AC/DC videos with your dad. Wow.

I wish I had special moves in real life. If I were mugged by a pack of mohawked space-mutant thugs in front of a progressively futuristic starport/killer robot manufacturing plant I would want the ability to press A and B at the same time, jumping into the air and spin on an invisible axis with feet extended in a mad flurry of fists and feet. It also might come in handy upon homework collection.

I want to damage pop-up windows like only The Rock can.

Round two of the Fatal Mistranslation Game! The first sentence is the one entered into the translator. The second is the mangled, unrecognizable nonsense that results from translating it back to english after translating it into a foreign language. This game's language is Spanish!

Can you please pass the butter? Translates to...
Can you pass mantequilla please?

I would like to stroke an elephant.
It wanted to rub an elephant slightly.  
 
My table likes to kick you and your little dog too.
My table has taste to also strike him and its small dog with the foot.

I haven't heard violins in my mind for a long time. Too long.

Newsweek went to pot. "Aerobics for Anarchists??" Please, you offend me. I have the matches and you burn well. Now apologize. No? The fireplace is nice and cozy. TV's good for little kids? Bush is really a funny guy, huh? Warm? You don't know what warm is.

I am the flame-proof consumer.

Last night I saw Jackass: The Movie. It has certain redeeming qualities, such as when a guy puts an electric muscle stimulator on his gooch (the area between the scrotum and anus). Some of it's unnecessary and not all that funny, like giving yourself paper cuts in the webs of your hands and feet and getting shot in the gut with a beanbag gun.

A lot of people don't understand why this kind of masochism is so successful.

Our society has become convinced by the media that they live in an urban jungle hell. Peoples' careers even thrive on the misperception that the city is a cruel, bloody place (hence the entire rap movement) and millions of people die worldwide through genocide and mass murder.

In contrast with all the real violence in the world, Jackass seems cute. Maybe that's why it's socially acceptable now. The generations (my generation and the nintendo generation, as my brother puts it) that enjoy this kind of thing have been brought up under the concept that you should fear your neighbors. We've been fed so many images of horrible things that even our entertainment parallels it. We're given violent video games, violent movies and frantically-paced television. Jackass is rather mild compared to Kosovo or Afghanistan.

And people still wonder why shooting fireworks out of your ass is funny. You laughed at the Three Stooges. You tell me.

A poem I found written on a plank of cardboard used in my math class. It overshadowed the profound "Anal Cork!!!" jumping boldly from its surface.

Backpack, backpack
Backpack, backpack.
I'm the backpack,
Loaded up with
Things and knick-knacks too.
Anything that you might need
I have inside for you.

-Dora the Explorer

Dora, wherever you are, you can search MY cavities anytime.

I wonder if any of you remember DJ Ecto, an alter ego I keep stashed in the batcave for special occasions. If enough of you give word, I can start selling my albums for a modest price. The first pitch was a bit of a flop but I'm good enough now to make a profit.

Last night I met this guy at a political rally who was demonstrating for the legalization of marijuana. I gabbed for a bit about Bush, state of fear, the media, so forth. I asked for his email address and when he was finding a pen he withdrew a conspicuous-looking Altoids can.

"Now are those REALLY altoids?"

I forsee interesting conversations. I'm Mr. Impervious.

Unless this is some elaborate hoax, Robert Hamburger, the guy who created www.realultimatepower.net is being sued. SUED! For encouraging violence in young children. If you go to real ultimate power, there's a link to the CNN news article under the "news" section. Some stupid old fucker took him to court because her kids started "totally flipping out" on their cat and furniture. Is it just me or do I want to put my hand through someone's face?! She's trying to get one of the funniest and most original sites in history wiped off the face of the planet.


"Ms. Evans is a hard working Christian mother who is just trying raise her kids right.  How can she do that when you've got demented little boys filling the internet with violent lies?  People believe anything if it's presented on the internet.  It's a dangerous medium that must be controlled carefully" said Ms. Evans' attorney on Monday."

And of course Robert takes it in stride.

"When asked about the lawsuit, Robert Hamburger replied 'Ms. Evans is a frigg'n idiot.   She needs to shut her mouth right now or I'm going to take a skinny dump on her scalp. '"

"Despite Hamburger's passionate defense, the judge ordered him to remove the site until the website's effect on youth could be further investigated.  However in response to the order, Hamburger stated that the judge 'couldn't even pop a boner if he really wanted to and should shut his frigg'n mouth before somebody pees in it.'"

These kinds of people were the ones who got the Parental Advisory sticker plastered all over our music. These kinds of people are the chains around society's ankles. It's they who are the indecent ones and personally I think they should shut their stupid heads until I have a chance to kick them.

Vin Diesel because he's ambiguously ethnic? Really, why.

Last night I wrote a song about having sex...underground. Literally under the earth. I think my skills as a song writer need a bit of work.

I think bryan's getting a hammer.

Bryan: Are you unhappy that you spent the night?
Matt: No.
Bryan: Good, because I'm slowly falling in love with you.
Matt: No you aren't.
Bryan: Yes I am, you'll see when I rape you.

Spent the night with a seedy bunch of rapscallions meandering about Hillcrest. Fascinating place, especially the tatoo parlor that was willing to answer our questions, being mostly about genital piercings and the displayed pattern of two she-devils going down on each other. Sitting now in Bryan's room waiting for him to curteously wake the hell up so we can go to Science Olympiad and I can undo the turmoil he caused last time; he signed me up for a genetics event that requires hard knowledge of...well...genetics. Hard knowledge which I don't have and don't have the tenacity to attain. Oop...wait..he just rolled over and made a snorting/farty sound at me. No...no, no luck. Next comes the systematic beating with a copy of Big Mama's House I found in his room.

On a separate note.

School is implementing a "stuffed animal drive" for "lonely elderly people." "so they can have a companion for when they have no one to talk to." I cannot think of anything more patronizing or offensive as saying "Oh, well we don't care enough to ACTUALLY keep you company or lend a hand, so here's this inanimate, much drooled-upon rag for you to clutch in your senility." They're old. They're not fucking children and they certainly aren't stupid. If you want to help, volunteer at a nursing home.

Before I leave for the weekend...again...I wanted to part with a few words of wisdom. After school, while washing my hands I had this moment of sudden brilliance. Just, pop, hey I'm smart.

While soundwaves are traveling through the air, they disrupt air molecules, jumbling them. Although the soundwaves are making them jump up and down and side to side, there's another force affecting them, gravity. So while a molecule may get bumped up, gravity is pulling it down, changing the sequence the air molecules hit one another and therefore warping the sound. So does gravity effect sound? This all takes place so quickly I doubt gravity has much pull in the matter. But still, interesting concept.

http://babelfish.altavista.com/tr

Round one of the chronic mistranslation game!


Soy la grapadora del bote de basura de las montañas

Realmente quisiera morder su escritorio.

Exprima mi pelo.

El mundo de Wayne, mundo de los wayne, tiempo del partido, hola mi nombre es Raul. Soy de Nicaragua.  
 
¿Usted tiene gusto de tocar el refridgerator? Quisiera tocarle.

Por favor fracaso ahora.

Fabio robó mis llaves del coche.

Azote la enfermera secreta.

Mi fondo tiene gusto de acariciarle.

Well, what can I say? Spent the last three days in introspection trying to discern my romanticism. Choices choices and my head's tired. A weekend fly fishing in the Sierras was not enough to absolve the clutter circulating around my mind. Thought about just taking a break for a while but I know how much my mood fluctuates in this sense.

Oh woe is me, have pity, cry for me, I'm so dramatic. Christ.

No no, oh no, it'd be too much to ask for happiness, wouldn't it. Simplicity? Even worse. Great. The new love interest rejected me. Doesn't know me well enough. Great. Now I have to wake up tomorrow. What a joy that's going to be.