I haven't heard violins in my mind for a long time. Too long.

Newsweek went to pot. "Aerobics for Anarchists??" Please, you offend me. I have the matches and you burn well. Now apologize. No? The fireplace is nice and cozy. TV's good for little kids? Bush is really a funny guy, huh? Warm? You don't know what warm is.

I am the flame-proof consumer.

Last night I saw Jackass: The Movie. It has certain redeeming qualities, such as when a guy puts an electric muscle stimulator on his gooch (the area between the scrotum and anus). Some of it's unnecessary and not all that funny, like giving yourself paper cuts in the webs of your hands and feet and getting shot in the gut with a beanbag gun.

A lot of people don't understand why this kind of masochism is so successful.

Our society has become convinced by the media that they live in an urban jungle hell. Peoples' careers even thrive on the misperception that the city is a cruel, bloody place (hence the entire rap movement) and millions of people die worldwide through genocide and mass murder.

In contrast with all the real violence in the world, Jackass seems cute. Maybe that's why it's socially acceptable now. The generations (my generation and the nintendo generation, as my brother puts it) that enjoy this kind of thing have been brought up under the concept that you should fear your neighbors. We've been fed so many images of horrible things that even our entertainment parallels it. We're given violent video games, violent movies and frantically-paced television. Jackass is rather mild compared to Kosovo or Afghanistan.

And people still wonder why shooting fireworks out of your ass is funny. You laughed at the Three Stooges. You tell me.

A poem I found written on a plank of cardboard used in my math class. It overshadowed the profound "Anal Cork!!!" jumping boldly from its surface.

Backpack, backpack
Backpack, backpack.
I'm the backpack,
Loaded up with
Things and knick-knacks too.
Anything that you might need
I have inside for you.

-Dora the Explorer

Dora, wherever you are, you can search MY cavities anytime.

I wonder if any of you remember DJ Ecto, an alter ego I keep stashed in the batcave for special occasions. If enough of you give word, I can start selling my albums for a modest price. The first pitch was a bit of a flop but I'm good enough now to make a profit.

Last night I met this guy at a political rally who was demonstrating for the legalization of marijuana. I gabbed for a bit about Bush, state of fear, the media, so forth. I asked for his email address and when he was finding a pen he withdrew a conspicuous-looking Altoids can.

"Now are those REALLY altoids?"

I forsee interesting conversations. I'm Mr. Impervious.

Unless this is some elaborate hoax, Robert Hamburger, the guy who created www.realultimatepower.net is being sued. SUED! For encouraging violence in young children. If you go to real ultimate power, there's a link to the CNN news article under the "news" section. Some stupid old fucker took him to court because her kids started "totally flipping out" on their cat and furniture. Is it just me or do I want to put my hand through someone's face?! She's trying to get one of the funniest and most original sites in history wiped off the face of the planet.


"Ms. Evans is a hard working Christian mother who is just trying raise her kids right.  How can she do that when you've got demented little boys filling the internet with violent lies?  People believe anything if it's presented on the internet.  It's a dangerous medium that must be controlled carefully" said Ms. Evans' attorney on Monday."

And of course Robert takes it in stride.

"When asked about the lawsuit, Robert Hamburger replied 'Ms. Evans is a frigg'n idiot.   She needs to shut her mouth right now or I'm going to take a skinny dump on her scalp. '"

"Despite Hamburger's passionate defense, the judge ordered him to remove the site until the website's effect on youth could be further investigated.  However in response to the order, Hamburger stated that the judge 'couldn't even pop a boner if he really wanted to and should shut his frigg'n mouth before somebody pees in it.'"

These kinds of people were the ones who got the Parental Advisory sticker plastered all over our music. These kinds of people are the chains around society's ankles. It's they who are the indecent ones and personally I think they should shut their stupid heads until I have a chance to kick them.

Vin Diesel because he's ambiguously ethnic? Really, why.