Monday, May 16, 2005

As taken from my Ebel notebook:

Turkish Remakes I'd Like to See

Turkish Rush Hour: A zany beige-meets-beige comedy romp in which two fast-talking, loose-cannon cops must retrieve a diplomat's stolen daughter. Jackie Chan's fantic physical comedy is recreated by combatants calmly passing a clay pot back and forth while gently kicking each other in the shins.

Turkish I, Robot: Turkish Will Smith is embroiled in a vast conspiracy to make the human race obsolete with intelligent robots, represented by Turkish children wrapped in blankets and aluminum foil with empty beer cans taped to their heads.

Turkish Pirates of the Caribbean: Johnny Depp's inebriated swarthiness is emulated through actual drunkenness, and his pithy banter is reduced to incomprehensible strings of vowels heard through layers of static. The original movie's sweeping, intense battle sequences are simply cut directly into the Turkish version, spliced with shots of Turkish fishermen jumping up and down in a boat while crewmembers behind the camera throw smoke grenades at them.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Coolest dream EVER:

In the future, a massive climate shift brings about a near-apocalyptic worldwide hurricaine, and out of the scattered remnants of the Earth rises a great hero - ME - a cunning and infinitely resourceful agent of chaos who crushes his enemies with the might of a god. Between sweet makeout sessions with tons of fly honies, I visited my impenetrable fortress BEYOND SPACE-TIME where I navigated vast mazes of secret tunnels and admired my extensive arsenal of futuristic assault weapons, which were largely unneccessary due to my uncanny ability to TOTALLY WAIL on any assailants with crazy, limb-flailing martial arts.

Yes! My subconscious rules!