I am slowly compiling Macho Man Randy Savage's illegitimate rap child "Be a Man." It is, quite possibly, the funniest thing humanity has ever squeezed out of an orifice.

For those of you who have not seen Return of the King, let me recap on a thirty minute basis.

Section 1: Smeagol EVIL! Frodo gooood.

Section 2: Lots of people prepare for battle.

Section 3: Battle for Middle Earth.

Section 4: Battle for Middle Earth.

Section 5: Battle for spinal integrity.

Section 6: Battle ends. Long, drawn-out death rattle begins.

Section 7: Try not to scream while what seems like another three hours of violin/mandolin/celtic-olin play over weepy faces. Stupid people in the audience start crying. The fire in your back slowly creeps into your neck, engulfing whatever last bit of patience you may have had. Run out of the theater and punch an old lady in the face.



We ride...for MOOOOOORRRRRRRDOOOOOORRRRRRRRR...