Saturday, March 27, 2004

Surprise, I'm not "totally self-sufficient and confident" as I told myself in eigth grade. In fact, I find myself wracked with an entirely new set of doubts almost weekly. It only gets more confusing as I start learning more and being confronted with new problems. It only gets worse, but it's good. That's the strange thing, I think I'm a little in love with the pain that life brings.

There is no guidance anywhere. It seems like nothing is applicable. Everyone's busy climbing their own ladder. Everything means something different to every person. It's all one giant, ineffable web that makes me feel like vomiting whenever I think about it too hard. And I've seen maybe one inch of one strand while the rest of it spans out forever, and ever, and ever.

I know I couldn't say any of this in person. We're all too embarassed by the fact that we're not just composed of jokes and flowers and rock music. It's been so long since I could look someone in the eye.

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