Due to the recent rise in pointy/sharp/generally un-agreeable items on campus, administration has collectively decided to add a new “anti-everything” clause to its zero-tolerance policy.
“For far too long, irresponsible students have been allowed to jeopardize the security of this school with their flagrant use of objects.” One administrator had to say. “With this new rule we hope to finally free ourselves of any financial liability whatsoever…and safety…and stuff.”
The proposed clause reads: “While on school premises, no student is permitted to have in their possession a material object of any kind, including but not limited to: backpacks, compact-disc players, combs, shoes, handguns, automatic weapons, sub-automatic weapons, bullets, erasers, hollow-point bullets, clothes, knives, swimwear (top or bottom), double-edged knives with serrated edges, hats, etc.
Obviously, this new turn by the administration has many students concerned. “I am very concerned about the new rule,” Had one student to say. However, there is a growing base of support amongst some circles. “I think this is a step in the right direction. Finally, the school system is taking firm actions against things. If the rule passes, I will finally be able to feel safe at school, comforted by the knowledge that no longer will I ever be threatened by an object, ever again.”
Administrators feel confident that the rule will pass; they are met by virtually no opposition on any front, and quick proceedings are ensured.
“We feel Scripps Ranch is totally justified in their decision,” said an employee of the San Diego City Schools main office. “If our children are allowed to bring objects to school, the terrorists have truly won.”