Saturday, November 20, 2004

You are captured by evil henchmen and trapped in a square shaft 100 feet deep. The walls are completely smooth and straight. On your person you have a container of dental floss, a promotional AOL CD, a lighter and a torn female condom.

Whoever can escape from the shaft gets to co-host.

1 comment:

Valentin said...

First, we must lay down some ground rules and facts.
1) The average package of dental floss is 32.8 yards long; that is, 98.4 feet.
2) The average adolescent male stands 1.74 meters; that is, about 5.78 feet.
2a) The combination of these measurements is 104.18 feet. This is more than 100 feet. Just felt the need to point that out.
3) Evil is a subjective matter, so anything I may have done to cause said henchmen to trap me in a 100 foot deep shaft was probably my own damn fault. This isn't important, but it's an astute observation.
4) AOL blows, but the CDs are very versitile. This is a known fact.
5) All henchmen are shady characters who carry utility belts, coin purses, short swords, daggers, and grappling hooks. This is also a known fact.
6) Henchmen always patrol, solitarily or with a friend, the premises of the area where prisoners are held.
7) Whenever something catches a henchmen's eye, he does not alert anyone to it, figuring it would be more efficient if he investigates it himself.

Step by step:
1) Tie the end of the condom to the dental floss. As per above stated facts 1 and 2, there should be just enough dental floss to go over the edge of the shaft. Now, it's rather difficult to throw a condom up 100 feet, so the AOL CD will be tied to the condom as well to provide some kind of weight, and possibly an anchor.
2) Wait until footsteps are heard, such as one of the henchmen patrolling the premises (fact 6).
3) The henchman in question will reach over and attempt to pick up the foreign object. This is where sharp ears are handy. As soon as he bends down, pull on the floss and make the condom and CD jingle. The henchman will swipe again at it. Repeat. Be careful not to have the CD fall down the shaft...yet.
4) Once said henchman is riled up to the point where he is making noise, yank the floss hard enough to send the CD and the condom down back to you.
5) Following the condom will come the henchman. Be careful and stand aside, as he will make quite a mess of things when his head makes friends with the pavement below.
6) It should be noted at this point that steps 1-5 comprises a process known as "monster fishing".
7) Loot the henchman's corpse for his coin purse and grappling hook. Unfortunately, his utility belt will have broken at this point, along with his sword and daggers, but if not, take those along too.
8) Use the grappling hook to scale the wall of the shaft.
9) Bribe any gaurds you see with the coins in the coin purse.
10) You're free. Live. Live and love again.