Thursday, July 28, 2005

Recently, for a couple of weeks, all I did was sit in my room with my laptop and play Doom. If any of you have never played Doom, here is the basic premise: You are a marine. You are in space. There are also demons from Hell in space. The demons from Hell want to kill you. You have a shotgun. Needless to say, it's the most awesomest game ever coded. It's so awesome that they made a movie out of it starring The Rock.

For a visual recap:

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After I beat Doom I started playing another favorite, called Sim Cinema. It's a bare-bones emulator of the film industry, in which you pitch movies to different studios and follow them through to completion, building on your company's reputation with each success. These are my favorite movies:

Blood Sport 3: The Blood Sportening

Description: The year is 2030. Space combatants must battle in a space underground fighting circuit for the title of Space Champion of Space Fighting. Let the space ass-kicking commence.

Tag Line: Makes Speed look like a slow space ride to space grandma's space house.

Outcome: Successful, Critically acclaimed

Billy Bob Thornton Swears and Drinks

Description: For kids!

Outcome: Successful, Critically acclaimed

Skipper: Who Let the Dogs Out? Into the Water? To Free-dive?

Description: The world of free-diving just got a whole lot funnier! Youngster Tim Shelley discovers that his dog Skipper is a free-diving prodigy! But will the cold, dogmatic free-diving establishment allow Skipper to compete?

Tag Line: Who knew that dogs could free-dive? I sure didn't. What a hilarious and unlikely circumstance!

Outcome: Successful, Critically bashed

Bill Nye: The Murder Guy

Description: A botched lab demonstration leaves television personality Bill Nye horribly disfigured. Watch in horror as Nye carves a bloody swath across the country to seek revenge!

Tag Line: Beakman is fucking dead.

Outcome: Major bomb, Critically bashed

Anaconda 3: Snakes in tha Hood

Description: Can a racist cop and a misguided band of urban criminals learn to overcome their differences in order to avoid certain death at the hands, or teeth, of giant snakes?

Tag Line: Snizzakeizzledizzle.

Outcome: Successful, Critically bashed

Roadhouse 2: Roadier House

Description: Driven to madness by the inexplicable abundance of tasteless nudity in his life, Patrick Swayze goes on a mission to manually remove the trachea of the president himself!

Tag Line: Swayze don't care.

Outcome: Blockbuster, Critically acclaimed

Porno: The Movie

Description: When young housewife Ashley Smithington discovers a leak in her ceiling, she calls repair serviceman John Spratley. But the roof isn't the only thing he'll be servicing.

Tag Line: "I'm here to fill your crack."

Outcome: Blockbuster, Critically acclaimed (Note: this movie made it to #6 on the list of the 20 highest-grossing films of all time, above The Lion King and below Forrest Gump.)

Poo Poo
(critical note: this one's vintage, probably from around sixth grade)

Description: A documentary of poo.

Tag Line: Poo! Crap! Dookie! Butt Nugget! Fun!

Outcome: Successful, Critically acclaimed

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i'm lovin' it. seriously

Renee said...

And why havent you made a movie worse than Ninja Death I about Ninjas??? I demand a sacrifice.

Matt said...

Man, those are hilarious. That program needs to be used as much as possible in Kaloustian's class to prove his ideas about our stories are oh so wrong...and to pass time